In Case You Didn't Know Its 2007

I am shocked sometimes at things that go on in the world today. We now live in the 21st century and it is truly a global society. I am also shocked that there are people who are so far behind in their technology. Let me give you some examples. Here is my list of

4 Things That Shouldn't Even Exist in 2007

1) The N Word- I shouldn't have to even mention this one but then today I saw a story on the Today Show about a soccer team of refugee kids in Georgia. The other soccer coach called one of the kids the N word. I was speechless. Who let him even be a soccer coach. This is not 1877- its 2007. Get with the program, stupid ass rednecks!

2) Cold Showers- My other half has the technology in our living room to make movies and distribute them (no not porn) and I can't get a shower that is a consistent temperature. Why? Is it that hard? I am guessing it isn't but that the management company for my building is cheap.

3) The Inability To Find Iraq On A Map- we've been there for 4 years and it is on the news every night. How can you not know this one? For shame!

4) The "I Don't Have A Cell Phone/ Email address" Excuse- I actually know someone who just got their first cell phone. Really. A lot of people think if I have a cell phone I have to be in touch with people. To that I say don't answer your phone. You never know when you will have an emergency. I also have little patience for people who don't have email. I also know one of those crazies. Oh he has a computer but he only uses it to watch porn. Yuck!

Life Skills- Get Some!

The topic of life skills came up in a conversation I had the other day. Which ones were important, how we learned some of them, when we learned some of them. Everyone learns things in a different way. I am one of those people who can figure out what not to do by watching someone else screw things up. Some people need to make mistakes on their own. Sometimes several times! Which one are you?

Now as a parent, when I think about the things I want to teach Thud, I think about some things I think he needs to know. I kept this in mind when I was making my list of

6 Important Life Skills Everyone Should Know

1) The Difference Between nauseous "I have a stomach ache" and nauseous "I have to throw up like NOW"- this is good to know for travel. But in general its good to know just as a courtesy to the people you are around.

2) Cooking- this escapes me completely cause you need to eat to survive. Yet I know plenty of people who can't cook past boiling water. I am married to one of them. I decided a while ago that all of my children will learn to cook whether they want to or not. Before I ship them off to college they will do Food Week- it will be their job to prepare dinner every night for 7 days. I guess this comes from being the sole food maker in my home.

3) Asking For Help- everyone needs help sometimes. You should have a good sense as to what your limits are.

4) Know What To Do- Where do you go to register your new car? What should you do if your landlord is screwing you? These are things as an adult you should know how to handle or should find out how to handle all on your own. Find out these things that you will need to get it done!

5) Trust Your Instincts- we've all heard it it is that little voice in the back of your mind that tells you what to do in certain situations. So many times we ignore it. Over the course of my life I have learned that that is a big mistake. You know what to do, all you have to do is listen!

6) Make A Tasty Cocktail- its a good skill that can help smooth over a lot of things. Just think how impressed your future father-in-law would be if you handed him the best martini he's ever had. He'd never think poorly of you again! Everyone is a little nicer after a lovely cocktail!

Hell No, Daddy-O

Over the course of my life I have come to realize that I have had good men around me. My other half has proven to be the father I had hoped and more. My dad really got his shit together and in my adult life has come through for me in so many ways. My step father has been wonderful about taking care of my mother. I look around, however and see some less than desirable dads. I am glad for all the dads in my life. Here is my list of

6 Bad Dads (Real and Fictional)

1) OJ Simpson- this one is pretty obvious. He could be the worst father in history. How fucked up are his kids?

2) Tony Soprano- oh dear. He really is a sociopath. He is one of those dads where you never know when he's gonna blow up at you. That's always a treat.

3) Tommy Lee- there's the sex tape, the drug/ drinking history, the abuse accusations, blah, blah, blah. I could go on and on with him. I am sad to know that this sexist jerk is "helping" to raise two boys.

4) Ted Nugent- aaaahhhhhhh!

5) Frank Barrone- crass and mean, a winning combination! He says whatever, whenever. He also lacked social skills. He does have his moments though.

6) Michael Lohan- is it any surprise that LaLohan is the mess that she is? Just look at papa. He punched someone at a family event, did time for fraud and has done a stint in rehab.

Older But No Wiser

I was out with the girls tonight. The subject of drinking in our pre-baby days came up and we started to trade a few war stories. For me, when drinking comes up, throw up stories are quick to follow. I have come to realize I have thrown up more from drinking between the ages of 25-30 than during my college years. So stupid! The most ironic thing about this is that I HATE to throw up. I will avoid throwing up at almost all costs. Over the years I have learned some tricks so that I don't have to spew. Here is my list of

4 Tricks To Avoid Throwing Up

1) Brush Your Teeth- works for me almost every time.

2) Eat A Breath Mint- something about mint is calming to the stomach. I like Mentos for this. The chewing is good too cause it sends saliva to your tummy to help things out.

3) Drink Some Coca- Cola- this is one of those remedies that peoples grandmothers swear by. Everyone needs a little soda once in a while!

4) Snack On Crystallized Ginger- something about ginger to me is a bit spicy but it has a calming effect on the tummy. You could use any form of ginger really, so anything from ginger ale to pickled ginger off a sushi plate would do in a pinch. Hopefully you don't feel like throwing up!

Why Do I Do This?

Tonight, I am watching Last Comic Standing. I HATE this show. However, I worked with a bunch of stand up comics a few years ago and every once in a while one one of them shows up on this show. I find that I am doing this a lot lately, things I hate doing. As a grown-up, I guess it is just the way things go. Here is my list of


5 Things I Hate Doing (but do anyway)
1) Eat Broccoli- I hate those little green trees. They are bitter and a weird texture. I know they are good for me and I want to like them. The only way I can manage to get them down is with cheese and rice, or mixed in with something like a stir-fry. Yuck!

2) Go On A Diet- I've never been on a diet before in my life. As of yesterday I am on a diet. I am finding it very difficult. I just want to eat lots of bacon. That's not normal.

3) Answer The Phone- I have come to dread the phone as of late. I would rather get a text message or an email or talk via IM. I guess I have moved on in to the 21st century. Besides, the phone usually brings bad news. I don't want bad news.

4) Do Dishes- Least favorite household chore, hands down. I would rather change a poopy diaper than do dishes. Since I do not have a dish washer they take forever. I also hate sticking my hand into a sink of dishes that have been soaking. Its so gross. Yuck!

5) Go To The Park- I like the park, generally speaking. I just go there every day twice a day. It gets to be a bit much. It has become like going to work. I look forward to rain days just so that I am not doing the same thing every single day. I have no idea what I am going to be doing when the weather gets cold.

The Fat Lady Sings

I waited all week for tonight. Sunday night is Sopranos night at our house. And here it was, the Sunday night of all Sunday nights. I made a "special" themed dinner. Hell, I even made dessert (tiramisu)! So 9 PM rolls around and the TV goes to HBO and I proceed to watch one of the most anticlimactic series finales that I have ever set my eyes upon. At least it wasn't a dream. Since I think complainers should offer up solutions, I have decided to do just that. Here is my list of

3 Alternate Sopranos Series Finale Endings

1) The Bloody Way- in this version, the NY crew picks off people one at a time until they get to Tony in a huge shootout. Not original, no but more interesting than what they came up with.

2) The Family Way- the kids get whacked and T goes nuts and kills, like everyone. I thought something was going to happen to AJ but no such luck.

3) The Snitches Way- Paulie turns on Tony and sells him out to the NY crew. They have been hinting at this for a bit on the show. I think this is the way they should have gone.

Paris is Burning

Admit it, we all love a celebrity crisis and we've just hit the mother load. What the hell is going on with this Paris Hilton jail/no jail thing? Crazy! As of Friday night she is back in jail and now ordered to serve a longer sentence. Apparently, there was some medical issue and the LA County sheriff's office thought they should release her from jail. Doesn't this ring a bell with ANYONE? She is "faking" sick to get out of something she doesn't want to do. Paris, honey, you aren't supposed to want to go to jail or have a good time there. It is supposed to be gross and scary. That is why its a punishment. Here is my list of

5 Things Paris Hilton Has To Go Without in Jail
1) No vagina flashing. Well, maybe. Depends on the other inmates, I guess.
2) No Paparazzi. She can't be a media whore and then complain that they follow her everywhere.
3) No Pinkberry. A lack of froyo really is criminal.
4) No shopping. There is a strong possibility that the US national economy is going to take a hit because Hilton isn't out shopping.
5) No booze/parties/drugs/boys. What the fuck is she going to go with all that free time? Read?

Bad Songs

I was at a friend's house the other day and the radio was on. I never listen to the radio anymore. I guess it is because I don't drive much now. A Shania Twain song came on as I was leaving and out on the street, I found myself humming the crappy pop tune. I guess its true, even though I consider myself a music snob, there are a handful of bad songs that I really like. Here is my list of

7 Crappy Pop Songs That I (secretly) Like

1) Still The One- Shania Twain very typical of a pop love song. I have to admit, I like the idea of the romance of this.

2) Close To You- The Carpenters I love The Carpenters and it is all my mother's fault. This was the easy listening music of its day. There is just something about Karen Carpenter's voice that I find mesmerizing.

3) I'll Be There For You- Bon Jovi I guess this just takes me back. All of a sudden I am 16 and dreaming of love.

4) I'll Be- Edwin McCain The ultimate mid 90's cheesy one hit wonder.

5) Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)- Wham! This song was bad, even down to the video. However, it ALWAYS makes me happy. Hearing this is like a shot of good mood. I used to listen to this during my first stint at summer stock, when I was sitting at a sewing machine 15 hours a day about to jump out the window.

6) Ready To Go- Republica Makes me want to dance like no one is looking. You have probably heard this song on a car commercial or something like that. It's just fun.

7) Dance Dance- Fall Out Boy This band is a bit odd. They are a pop band that wants to be an emo band. If you are 15, you probably think they are original and you've never heard anything like them. If you are a bit older, you know better. I still really like this one.

Queen Of The Universe

If you actually read this blog on a regular basis, you could probably guess that we here at the LL do not watch beauty pageants. However, we caught the beginning of the Miss Universe 2007 pageant. What a treat! We highly recommend watching this spectacle. It just may become a "must-watch" in our house every year. Here is our list of

5 Awesomely Bad Miss Universe National Costumes

1) Dominican Republic- she is wearing a coral reef AND 2 dolphins. You've got to be kidding!

2) France- incorporating your national colors into an outfit doesn't make it a costume. I thought the French had good fashion sense. This thing was scary!

3) Puerto Rico- slutty pirate is their national outfit. That explains why my husband wants to go to Puerto Rico.

4) USA- apparently our national costume is fat Elvis in a white jumpsuit. I am considering revoking my citizenship.

5) Serbia- She isn't even dressed up like anything but a slut. At least you should have a theme for your slutyness.