TV Cameos

Since I graduated from college I have had several incidents of sitting down to watch TV only to end up screaming and pointing to the screen like an idiot."Oh my God! Someone I know is on TV", I shreik at Jay-Bee. Actually, that is the point. I went to school to be in the entertainment business. I should know people on TV. Here is my list of

8 People I Know That Have Been On TV

1) Michael- I did my first summer of summer stock with Michael . He is such a great guy. He was on an episode of

Ed

. He played a football player that flunked out of school and missed his chance to succeed in life.

2) Richie- I worked on his variety show at Caroline's Comedy Club a few years ago. He was playing a janitor on

Law & Order:SVU

. I have to say it was weird.

3) Moody- He was in the variety show at Caroline's and is a stand-up comic. He is very funny, which was why I was so excited to see him on

Last Comic Standing

this season. I don't think he made it past the 3rd round. That's ok though I think that show is totally bogus.

4) Eric- Eric is an ex of one of my friends. I spent a few days with him in the Adarondacks over New Year's weekend a few years ago. Sure enough that was him on

Queer Eye

last week. He did one of the weight loss make-overs and then had an acting showcase at Studio 54. Good for you Eric!

5) Chris- No one will recognize him from his Broadway role in Wicked but he landed a show on the WB. He is on that show

Twins

. Yeah, I never heard of it either. Then one of my other friends said he was on it so I had to watch it. It was awful. Sorry!

6) Nick- I think Nick is now a retired actor. We went to college together and he was always one of the most talented people in out program. I was not surprised when someone called me to tell me he was going to be on Homicide: Life On The Streets. He played a smarmee internet bookie. It was great!

7) Joey- Joey was also part of the variety show crew. In fact he was really the star of the show. I have seen him on TV several times since I worked with him. He was on Comedy Central with his own half-hour special and then he is on Martha on occasion. Yes Martha Stewart's show. He is her warm-up comic and appears on camera every so often. For Halloween last year Martha was Jane and Joey was her Tarzan. He really is one of my favorite people in show business ever.

8) Jon- I also went to college with Jon (picking up on the pattern yet?). One night at 2:30 AM I couldn't sleep so I was watching some wedding show on TLC. It was one of those shows where for $5000 budget you let your friends plan your entire wedding. One of Jon's friends was getting married in LA and he was in on the planning. How funny. He really is a good organizer so he was great at it. I couldn't call anyone about this at the time cause it was really late at night. I wanted to though!

Mysterious Ways

I have been thinnking a lot about things that will never really be determined. This whole thing with the JonBenet Ramsey case made me realize we will never know what really happened and who did it. There was a sketch on SNL in the mid 80's where this guy died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter (played byt the great Phil Hartman) and asked to know the most shocking thing. He was allowed to know the 108th most shocking thing . . . that pro wrestling is real.

I can't help but wonder if when you die you suddenly aquire all of the knowledge of the universe. Here are my list of things that I really want to know about when I get to the Gates.

7 Great Unsolved Mysteries:

1) Who built Stonehenge and what is its purpose? This has been debated for centuries. Stonehenge is an odd eerie place. I went there on my trip to England. Every time someone come up with a theory about this, the rest of the academics shoot it full of holes.

2) Who killed JonBenet Ramsey? After all the stuff in the press lately, we will never ever know what went down here. It is a shame because some child killer has been out and about for 10 years. At least they aren't letting John Mark Karr go.

3) Are there aliens? Who knows? Maybe one day we will find out for sure. Until then it is still very up in the air.

4) Does the Holy Grail still exist? You have to love an age old question that is the plot for an Indiana Jones movie. I personally do not think this is still around. But hey, anything is possible.

5) Where is Motzart buried? He was buried in a "group grave" when he died in 1791. This wasn't unusual at the time and was the way many middle-class people were buried. Then the marker was moved because they needed to make more room and the location of the plot was lost. The question is will we ever find it?

6) Will There Ever Be A Cure For The Common Cold? I don't think so. There are too many people who make money off cold medicine! I think it could be done but probably won't be.

7) Do Ghosts Really Exist? I think they do but I have nvere seen any kind of real proof. Anyone who did theater will me in college may have something to say about this.

First Things First

Thud turned one last week and we had a birthday party for him on Saturday. Now that I am thinking about it, he managed to accomplish quite a list of firsts at the party. They are mostly things that no one would normally think about but fun for me, none the less. Here is the list of

Thud's Firsts at His First Birthday

1) Slide- With the help of Jay-Bee, Thud went down the little slide on the playground when we got to the park. It was such a thrill for him. The look on his face was of pure elation! After lunch, he gradutated to the large slide on the playground. Again, no fear- just an ear-to-ear grin!

2) Cake- Until Saturday, I had managed to keep refined sugar away from my child. It isn't that difficult to do. I mean you just don't give a baby a Hershey Kiss. I had grand plans to make a seperate cake for him with no refined sugar and no white flour but I just couldn't get it together to do that. He got a cupcake just like everyone else. He only ate three bites so I don't think it did too much damage!

3) Candy- There were M&Ms decorating some of the cupcakes and Thud got one of them. I forgot to take off the M&Ms before he began to dig in. He wasn't supposed to have them. They are a choking hazard (big time). Somehow he managed to grab one and shove it in before I could even realize that he got it. I went in after it and it was already gone. My one year old son has now consumed M&Ms. I guess there are worse things to give your kid.

4) Leaf- Thud is a city baby to the core. Riding the subway is second nature to him and noise doesn't phase him one bit. Things that most children have in their backyard- grass, dirt, birds- are still a big mystery to him. So it occured to me as I was digging leaves out of his mouth on Saturday that this was the first time he had tried to consume anything like this. Most kids his age have managed to down a fist full of grass or some dirt or sand by this point in their lives. Viva organica, my little urban one.

Factual Friday

1) Cockroaches can survive 9 days without a head before they starve to death.

2) A spremologist collects trivia.

3) A person uses approximetly 57 sheets of toilet paper per day.

4) A fly hums in the middle octave, in the key of F.

5) ABBA Gold has been in the UK charts for 280 weeks. That is 5 years.

6) Adolph Hitler was a vegitarian with one testicle.

7) After the sun, the closest star to the Earth is 25,000,000,000,000 miles away.

8) Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were roommates in college.

9) The Puritans loaded more beer than water on to the Mayflower before they set sail to the New World.

10) The widely recognized Hershey Bar was used overseas as currency during World War II.

What Do I Need ?

I always look forward to a trip to Target. It is by far my favorite chain store. I thought I would give you a glimpse into my life by publishing my list for my shopping trip. I think of it as one of my more personal lists. How often do you see someone else's shopping list? Please note that due to an absence of sponsorship the Listy-Loo has not used any brand names.

Things Needed at Target

1) decorating candies
2) diapers
3) wipes
4) sugar
5) aluminum foil
6) take & toss containers
7) toddler food
8) deep conditioner for hair
9) hair remover
10) coffee pot
11) iced tea bags
12) stuff for birthday goody bags

Summer Lovin'

The other day I was riding in the car and there was something familiar in the air. It was that familiar sensation of summer slipping away. Realizing that I had not done some summer things that I love to do I decided to make a list of things needed to be done before the crisp fall air rolls around.

1) Beach Visit
2) Walk over the Brooklyn Bridge for a meal of pizza at Grimaldi's and dessert at The Ice Cream Factory.
3) Astoria Beer Garden
4) The Central Park Zoo
5) Barney's Warehouse Sale
6) Danskin Women's Triathalon
7) Visis CT
8) Go to Lunch (or The Lobster Roll) in Amagansett for lobster rolls
9) Find a decent water park to go to
10) Go to Great Adventure

Vagina Pet Names

A few years ago, I had the honor of directing a production of The Vagina Monologues here in New York City. There is one part of the play that has stayed with me since early on in the rehearsal process. The play opens with the actresses listing different synonyms for the vagina. It is a running list in my head and it is always being updated.Please feel free to add your own in the comments section. I present to you

14 Names for Vagina

1) V-jay- this is my new new favorite. I first heard it when comedian Brian Posehn used it in a joke in Comedians of Comedy. There is something catchy about it. I guess cause it is short and sweet.

2) Snatch- this is my all-time favorite. Come on- think of a verb "name" for penis. You can't, can you?

3) Deli Meat- my friend Gurney used this once in a conversation. I have yet to hear it anywhere else so it goes on the list!

4) Vag- straight and to the point. If you use this you are probably a no-nonsense kind of person. It also has a good ring to it!

5) Pink Parts- this is the term that the girly girls use. It's cute and sweet.

6) Cabbage- not sure how this describes the vagina. The smell maybe? Again, another one I hadn't heard before so points for originality but then some points taken away for obscurity.

7) Beaver- this would work for someone who is very au natural. I saw a beaver (the animal) for the first time two weeks ago at the zoo. Have you ever seen one? They are big and scary and VERY VERY VERY hairy.

8) Box- one of the very first slang terms I ever heard for Vagina. I think maybe I heard it in the sixth grade. My friend's older sister used it all the time. I thought she was the coolest person on the planet so for me this one is still has that "first time" nostalgia for me.

9) Muff- again, fond memories of this. Fun and kinda silly, I had a swim teammate who used this term exclusivly. I can think of worse things to call a vagina.

10) Kebab- this was broght into the vernacular by someone on the reality show Big Brother. Another food reference that I don't quite understand. Someone please explain!


11) Beef Curtains- possibly one of the grossest terms ever for vagina. But hey, maybe you like beef.


12) Morris Minor- cockney slang. Try it at a party. Everyone will ask you what the hell you are talking about.

13) Furry Cup- a funny little Scottish reference. I may start using this one regularly.

14) Goodies- here is another girly, safe euphemism. If pussy is too much for you, consider this as an option!

Factual Friday

An executive decision has been made here at the LIsty-Loo. From now on, Fridays here will be known as Factual Friday. THat means Friday's list will be weird facts. Why? Cause I like facts AND I like alliterations. Enjoy Factual Friday #1


1) 3% of mammals are monogoamous.

2) Charlie Chaplin once took 3rd place in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

3) A Chicago laaw prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

4) In 1941 Glenn Miller received the 1st gold record ever awarded to a recording artist.

5) 27% of Americans believe we never landed on the Moon.

6) Coffee is the most consumed beverage in the world with over 400 billion cups drunk each year.

7) A human head remains conscious 15-20 seconds after it has been decapitated.

8) Oranges, watermelons, lemons ard tomatoes are all really berries.

9) Any month that starts with a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th in it.

10) All the moons in the solar system are named after Greek and Roman mythology, except Uranus. Its moons are named after Shakespeare characters.

Crimes Against Cinema- Sequels, Remakes and Other Atrocities

I am finally getting around to catching up on all the movies I missed that came out last summer. In doing so I wasted 2 hours of my life on Friday watching a remake of a movie that simply did not need to be made. Why do people insist on doing this? Yes, I know that the answer is money but it seems rediculous to me. I am tired of having my time wasted. If you haven't seen some of these movies already, don't! If you have, I am so sorry.

8 Horrible Sequels, Remakes, and other Atrocities

1) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory- Ugh! I am a fan of Tim Burton. I usually enjoy his work which made my disappointment in this remake even greater. He just sucked the like out of a great story! Johnny Depp was awful as well. He was like a cartoon instead of a real person. So sad. The version with Gene Wilder is such a classic why would you want to remake a movie that is so good?

2) Grease 2- I like this movie. However, I do have the ability to distinguish between what I liek and what is good. They are 2 different thigs sometimes. That is certainly the case with this film. The songs are uber-cheesy, the acting not so good. The worst are the group numbers. They have one in a bowling alley parking lot. Yuck.

3) Eyes Wide Shut- Have you ever walked out of a movie theater and thought,"There goes 2 hours of my life I can never get back."? That was how I felt after this film. Pointless and so self-indulgent.

4) Midnight In The Garden of Good And Evil- This was so bad that I walked out. I never walk out of movies. Ever.

5) Psycho- The Gus Van Sant remake is a an almost shot by shot recreation of the original classic. Why Gus? DId you think that Vince would be better than Anthony Perkins (fellow ART Alum)? DId you think what the shower scene was missing was color? I just don't get it.

6) Legally Blonde 2: Red White and Blue- Oh Elle! I loved your first film. The message was great and it was so funny. The second film was such a waste of time and energy. Just dreadful.

7) Cruel Intentions- Bad Acting, bad dialogue, gratuitous lesbian kissing scene. Why does this movie exist?

8) Spice World- Ladies, please do not compare yourselves to the Beatles. Ever. Don't even allude to it. I tried to think about what the worst element of this movie was. The music? The screenplay? The acting? They were each equally deplorable.

Miss Michellephant

As some of you may or may not know, my dear friend Michellephant is moving away and in a few short days will be living on the other side of this very large country. I am sad. I am also happy in a way. She is starting a new part of her life which promises to be exciting and fulfiilling. My wish for her is that it is all she hopes it to be. And that she and Snowman find a great apartment.

In an ode to my pachydermic pal, here is a list of all of the things I will miss about her.

1) Barneys- I always have someone to go to the Barney's Warehouse sale in Michellephant. You have to be a certain kind of person to even go to the sale. She took me there for the first time and I know that it just won't be the same without her- in either season.

2) Brunch- It just won't be the same without her.

3) Honesty- I can always count on Ms M for a no-nonsense opinion. She is my go-to gal.Everyone should have a friend like that. Seriously, if you don't have that one honest frined, get one.

4) Crafts- No one I know is as crafty as Ms M. She is one of those people who does crafts that even people who craft are not familiar with. She just so happens to be good at all of them. I still think she should start her own greeting card business.

5) Tea- The song goes "Two for tea and tea for two" but for us it has always been three for tea. I think Tinsel Teeth will agree with me that tea won't be quite the same without her.

6) Girl's Night- Every time another one of my girls moves away, the Girl's Night of the early days changes. They get much less frequent with each loss. Now they are down to non-existant. I am worried with Michellephant's move they will be extinct.

7) Babysitting- It is great occasion to come home from a date with Jay-Bee and have no complaints from the babysitter. It is also great to have no complaints from Thud the next morning. Michellephant and Snowman, you will be the yardstick by which all other babysitters will be measured.

I could go on and on. You are lucky. I won't!

Ms M, I wish you the best as you journey out West in search of knowledge and other things. May your trip be safe andyour gas milage good. I love you more than my luggage!

Sports Anyone?

This summer I have been made to watch more than my fair share of sports. I actually like sports and will watch all the norms. I am a huge college football fan! There are some sports that they now show on TV that I just do not get at all. So here is my list of the 8 Most Unwatchable Sports Shown on TV

1) Ultimate Fighting Challenge- This is the most violent thing I have ever seen on television. The object of UFC is to beat another living person to a pulp. This is one of Jay Bee's favorite shows. How sad.

2) Dodge Ball- I can't believe that this has had a resugence in popularity because of a Vince Vaughn movie. What a waste of TV time.

3) Road Bike Racing- I am forced to watch the Tour de France every summer. I can not think of anything more tedious. I think what irritates me the most about road bike racing is the "team" element of it. You can be on the "winning" team but not actually win the Tour. Only one person wins the Tour. So you work you ass off for a month and don't get to win? What?

4) Bass Fishing- Is it really a sport if you can do it fat and drunk?

5) Billards- I like to play pool. It can be a nice addition to a night of drinks. Watching it on TV is just a snore. Who cares?

6) Nascar- Rednecks going around in a circle. Sounds like my high school gym class. No thanks!

7) Golf- I hate golf. To me it is pointless. The outfits are ugly and and you drive everywhere. It is also eliteist and sexist.

8) Poker- Another thing I like to do but not watch. I don't care who wins and what their nicknames are. I don't care if they have some kind of weird get-up. Just play cards, man. At your house on Friday with your buddies. Not on TV where I may have to watch.

Gotta Sing, Gotta Dance

PBS is in the middle of their pledge drive. What does that mean? That they run every piece of footage known to man relating to Broadway. There is Lost Broadway, Best of Broadway, Best of the Tonys. The list goes on and on. These programs have really got me to thinking. What are my favorite musical numbers of all time? Here is what I have come up with, even if the criteria is a bit inconsistant. It's my list, damn it!

1) Whatever Lola Wants/ Damn Yankees- this is the most fun sexy girl number out there. The show is ok, nothing great but this number has always stood out to me. Besides, you can't beat the original Broadway combo of Gwen Verdon doing this number with Bob Fosse choreography.

2) Book Report/ You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown- talk about an ensemble showcase! This number is a bit complicated but if you have good actors that understand timing, it is fantastic. It is very funny and super-snappy!

3) One Day More/ Les Miserables- if you are a theatre snob (notice the re), you are thinking about writing me off at the mention of Les Miz. Don't! I know the show has mass appeal. But of all the mass marketed shows, this one is the best. It is not Cats or Starlight Express (I will be addressing those tomorrow). Back to One Day More. Here is why it is good. It comes at the very end of Act 1. It does a very good job at summing up the plot before intermission and gets people on their feet as the curtain is coming down for the 15 minute break. I can not think of another musical that I have seen that roused the crowd so well at intermission.

4) We Do Not Belong Together/ Sunday In The Park With George- Burnadette Peters and Mandy Patinkin are 2 of the best musical theater performers of the last 25 years. With this number it is just the two of them. The song itself is brilliant- a fight in which everything between Dot and George is laid out. He loves her but he has his work, she loves him but can't compete with his work, In my musical theater fantasy, I sing this song and Burnadette's voice comes out of my mouth.

5) Kid's Game/ Blood Brothers- I did this show in college. It wasn't the best musical I have ever done (I think the book is a bit weak) but It was a lot of fun to do. This number was a blast. I ran around the stage for 5 minutes. You can't beat getting to play a kid who is very ill-behaved as a 21 year old. I highly recommend it.

6) Summer Nights/ Grease- Grease is my favorite musical of all time. It was my favorite before I even knew what a musical was. This was the first movie my parents took me to see and then I came home and promptly performed all the songs I could remember for my Nana. This particular number sums up the show perfectly- it is young, energetic and has that inuendo that runs throughout Grease.

7) With Every Breath I Take/ City Of Angels- great torch song. I used to sing this in my car on my was to school in high school. If you are a female singer with a good belt, you should learn this song. I think it has come out of rotation for auditions!

8) Cabaret/ Cabaret- a great way to wrap up on of the best musicas ever written. It is great to watch the realization of Sally Bowles character, that life is not, in fact, a Cabaret. This musical is great because it doesn't sugar coat one thing, while most musicals require wet-naps they are so sticky sweet.

It's Factual!

Here are some really interesting facts that I have found. I thought this would be more interesting than posting 25 Reasons Why I Hate My Family.

1) Baskin Robbins once made ketchup flavored ice cream. It was the only vegetable flavored ice cream ever produced.

2) Swans are the only birds with penises.

3) Teeth are the only part of the human body that can not repair themselves.

4) The Bible has some 500 verses on prayer, less than 500 verses on faith and over 2000 verses on money and possessions.

5) One plain milk chocolate bar has more protein than a banana.

6) A woman in Saudi Arabia can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. However, she still can not get a driver's license.

7) In 1945 a computer at Harvard malfunctioned and Grace Hopper, who was working on the computer found a moth in one of the circuits and removed it. Ever since then, computer "glitches" have been called bugs.

8) No word in the English language rhymes with month, purple, orange, and silver.

9) The plastic thing on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

10) Both George Washington and Thomas Jefferson both grew cannabis satria (marijuana) on their plantations.

No thank you!

As I sit and ponder my current job field I wonder about what I really want to be doing for a living. Like most people, it certainly isn't what I am doing now. Instead of pondering the boring "What do I want to do for a career?" I have been pondering what I do not want to do. I guess it is an attempt to really avoid making any kind of adult decision about a career choice. Here is my list of jobs I do not wish to try.

1) Stock Broker- I spent a summer in college working for a broker. They are gross people for the most part. How could you be that aggressive and still function normally in society I will never understand. This was also the most sexist work environment I have EVER seen. EVER.

2) Con Ed worker- People in my neck of the woods have been screaming at the Con Ed workers for almost 3 weeks. They are just the guys out doing repairs and people drive by and yell curse words at them all day. Then they have to go down into these smelly hot holes only to come up and have more people yelling more obscenities at them. That sucks.

3) Mortition- I guess the bottom line here is that I am not into "prettying" up death. It is what it is and it is also a natural part of life. Let it go- the dead people don't need make-up. Seriously, I will be pissed if someone buries me in make-up. Especially since I want to be creamated.

4) Bank Teller- I have done this job. It is such a shit job. First they pay you nothing to handle money all day. Wow- no temptation there! Then, people scream at you all day because they have no money. God, I hated that bank!

5) Accountant- I hate numbers (for irony see #4). I have not been good at math since the 6th grade. The human interaction on this job seems limited as well!

6) Coal Miner- Hot, hard and very dangerous.

It's Getting Hot In Here

I am barely through the first day of what is predicted to be a 4 day heat wave in NYC. What is a girl to do?

1) Get Naked- getting naked can be helpful in such hot weather. Don't forget to close your blinds and put something on if you need to answer your door. Thud is a big proponent of this idea. Since I can't just let him go naked (it would be the world's worst mess), he is tooling around in his baby boxers. Cute as fuck, I tell ya!

2) Take A Cold Bath- this is not something I normally do. In fact, I usually get the shower as hot as I can stand it. This week I will make an exception.

3) Eat Gazpacho- so yummy and delicious! I guess any cold soup would do really, but this one happens to be my fave cold soup.

4) Jack Up All Your Appliances- it is the only way we are going to get the people who run our nation's power grid to understand that the way we've been doing it sucks. I am appalled by the fact that there have been rolling blackouts in the nation's largest city for no real reason.

Enjoy the triple digits!