The Art of Married Love

Married sex, I have decided has an entire level of comfort to it that allows it to be more rewarding than single sex. Part of that comfort is the ability to say what you feel or think when you feel or think it. Now, there is still some sensitivity involved. I am not out to hurt my partner's feelings to the point of no performance.

Having said that, over the years Jay-Bee and I have said some pretty blunt stuff to each other in bed. Here is my list of

7 Things Said Before Married Sex

1) This isn't going to take long, is it?

2) I showered today!

3) How about a blow job?

4) Can you take the trash out later?

5) Quit laughing.

6) Is that your ass or mine?

7) Wait . . .oh, no . . .oh, ok . . .sorry,I thought I heard the baby.

Dr. Phil's Top Ten Signs Your Family Is Nuts

After a very mellow holiday, I saw this Top Ten list. It made me miss the fam. Can't wait to go home for Christmas!!

I Can Smell You & You Stink

I was wondering around a department store this weekend and something occured to me: Damn, a lot of celebrities have fragrances. Why? Do people really think that if they buy the Britney purfume that they will smell like Britney? So I did a little research on the subject. I was shocked! There are many celebrities with fragrances. Some of them I get. Some of them made me cringe. Here is my list of



8 Celebrities Unqualified to Have Their Own Fragrance:

1) Danielle Steel Danielle- I don't even buy her books, I sure as hell am not about to buy her scent!

2) Cindy Adams Gossip- Hey, how can I find a way to smell like an ancient gossip columnist for the New York Post? Oh, here it is in a bottle. Thanks, y'all!

3) Donald Trump Donald Trump The Fragrance- Someone stop this man.

4) Baryshnikov Baryshnikov Sport- Generally speaking, dancers smell. It is a men's fragrance but do any men know who he is?

5) Pavarotti Pavarotti Men & Pavarotti Donna- I can't help but wonder if this is just his bottled sweat. My guess is that his sweat smells like pancetta and stage make-up.

6) Alan Cumming Cumming- OK I get it. You can make ALL kinds of sexual innuendos with your name. That doesn't mean you get your own line of cologne.

7) Derek Jeter Spirit- I didn't realize the major league sports figure was such a draw for the men's grooming market.

8) Cindy Crawford Cindy Crawford- Hmmm. Wasn't she popular like 10 years ago? I thought the supermodel thing was history. It may as well be a perfume put out by Jennie Garth.

Little Annoyances

Maybe I am tired. Maybe I am stressed. Maybe I need a drink. Whatever the reason, people have been annoying me a whole lot lately. I have tried Midol and that hasn't cured this. This must be permanant. Why do these sad souls exist? Here is my list of

6 Groups Of People Who Annoy Me:


1) People who don't know where they are going- It's ok to not know where you are headed but don't walk or drive like it. Just go with purpose. Eventually you will find out where you are supposed to be.

2) Suburban white kids who throw gang signs- Man, these kids have so much nerve. Flash those the next time you are in a not-so-great neighborhood and just see what happens. Trust me, the crypts no you're frontin'.

3) Post Office Workers- They really are a study in slowness and inefficency. I hate both those things so much.

4) New York City Drivers- Drivers in NYC think they can do WHATEVER they want WHENEVER they want. I have seen some unbelievable shit on the roads here.

5) Women who wear single digit sized clothing and complain about how fat they are- they don't even deserve to know why they are annoying.

6) College girls who make out with other girls cause they think guys will think it is hot- If you are a lesbian or exploring your sexuality, then you can make out with girls if you want. I don't care about that. It is the drunk, Girls Gone Wild kind of make outs that really concern me. Please have your parents send you a care pack with some self esteem. BTW- you are not helping the cause. This is not you exploring your sexual rights. This is you showing men that you will do just about anything to get them excited. You are NOT down with the cause, sister!

The Big One

OK people! This is it. The biggest list yet on the Listy-Loo!

100 Things About Me

1) I am 30 years old.
2) I am a college graduate.
3) I am a feminist, mother and wife.
4) I can play the violin and the cello.
5) I am a huge stand-up comedy fan.
6) I once held my high school's swimming record for the 100 yard butterfly event.
7) My freshman year of High school I almost managed the track team instead of working on the spring play.
8) I want to lose 50 pounds.
9) One of my secret dreams is to be a guest on David Letterman's show.
10) Sometimes I hate the holidays.
11) My favorite meal of all time is a boiled lobster, corn and a green salad.
12) I want to travel to all 50 states.
13) I used to sew for a living.
14) I would like to learn to knit and quilt.
15) Some days, I hate living in New York City.
16) One of the hardest things I've ever done was breastfeed my son.
17) One of my most dreaded moments is going to a party where I don't know anyone or only one person.
18) Harrison Ford is my best celebrity sighting- come on, he is Han Solo and Indiana Jones!
19) Tina Fey is my idol.
20) I think funny is sexy.
21) My husband knows my deepest, darkest secret and he is the only person who knows it.
22) If I could have any celebrity's body I would request Selma Hayek's.
23) I have driven all over England in a car.
24) I do not own a "little black dress".
25) I don't really wear skirts.
26) I love make-up.
27) Since I became a mother, TV is my main form of entertainment.
28) I find the political climate in this country sad.
29) I still believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference in the world.
30) If I really like a song, I am one of those people whoo can listen to it over and over again.
31) I do not watch soaps but I do watch Oprah.
32) Cooking qualifies as my main hobby.
33) All of my children will be required to play a sport and a musical instrument.
34) I like watching college football.
35) If I won the lottery, I would open a theater company.
36) O am afraid of heights- very afraid!
37) One of my goals in life is to NOT raise bratty kids.
38) My faveorite board game is Trivial Pursuit.
39) I wish I'd listened to my mother when she wanted me to take typing class in high school.
40) I think people should say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". Not everybody celebrates Christmas.
41) I always wanted a sister.
42) I am not a big fan of horror films or westerns.
43) This list took me much longer than I expected to put together.
44) Sense and Sensibility is my favorite movie of all time.
45) Gilmore Girls is my favorite current TV show.
46) Tori Amos's Little Earthquakes is my favorite album of all time.
47) I think everyone should make an effort to get out of their comfort zone from time to time.
48) Every day I am sad that I don't have a washer/dryer and a dishwasher.
49) I spent my honeymoon in the Pacific Northwest.
50) I am not a good housekeeper.
51) My favorite ice cream flavor is rum raisin.
52) I do not wear gold jewelery.
53) I learned to drive on a car with a stick shift.
54) I hate downhill skiing.
55) Fall is my favorite season.
56) The best show that I ever directed is Beyond Therapy.
57) I don't get video games.
58) I've never left comments on a message board.
59) I think I am the oldest user of Facebook.
60) I am a Gemini.
61) The last movie I saw at the movie theater was The Davinci Code.
62) I wear a 7 1/2 wide shoe.
63) My engagement ring belonged to my grandmother.
64) I would like a flat screen TV for Christmas.
65) My favorite drink is a margarita on the rocks with no salt.
66) I worked at the Santa Fe Opera Company for a summer.
67) My most boring job was as a bank teller.
68) My worst job was assisting a Broadway producer.
69) One day, I would like to own a Chanel suit.
70) I know fast food is bad for me. I saw Super Size Me and was horrified, but sometimes, I just need a Big Mac.
71) I support gay marriage.
72) I don't think I would ever have elective plastic surgery.
73) I keep up with celebrity gossip.
74) Dwight Shroot is my favorite character on TV right now.
75) I hate washing dishes.
76) Even as an adult, I still have nightmares involving Darth Vader.
77) If I could afford to go to therapy, I would.
78) Having a child has changed my body.
79) I still bear the emotional scar of having a high school boyfriend laugh at me when I wore my glasses to school one day.
80) I married a man who loves it when I wear my glasses!
81) My heart always leads my head.
82) I wish I was better at drawing.
83) Sometimes I grow fearful about the world we are leaving for our children.
84) I almost didn't graduate from college because of a mix up with my theater production credits.
85) I do not like to do things I am not good at.
86) I am a terrible Scrabble player.
87) I don't know how to play Sudoku.
88) I have been to Jane Austen's grave site.
89) I have slept in a castle.
90) I believe in ghosts.
91) I can not keep a plant alive to save my life.
92) I wore a corset under my wedding dress when I got married.
93) I hate math.
94) If I could permanently straighten my hair I would.
95) I have been on stage at Broadway's Scheubert Theater.
96) The only color I have NOT dyed my hair is black.
97) My son's middle name was decided on a hand of poker. I lost!
98) I lie about my height.
99) I wish I could have a dog.
100) I am trying hard to break the cycle.

How Funny Is That?

I did something yesterday that I haven't done in months. I bought the Sunday New York Times. I can't tell you how excited I was to find that this week's NYT Magazine was all about comedy. It was fate!

One of the things they did in this particular issue of the magazine was to ask comedians (and other qualified funny people) what 5 comedies would you want on a deserted island. I usually find the "deserted island" lists a bit trite, but if it is good enough for the New York Times, it is certainly good enough for The Listy-Loo. Here is my list of

5 Comedies To Have On A Deserted Island


1) Waiting For Guffman- for the theater geek in me.

2) Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery- for the Mike Myers fan in me.

3) There's Something About Mary- for the dirty sense of humor in me.

4) When Harry Met Sally- for the die hard romantic in me.

5) Legally Blonde- for the feminist in me.

A Change Will Do You Good

I am not a politician. I didn't study politics in school. But I love politics. I can't help it. There is something about our electoral process that I find exciting and engaging. I even have a politician in my family. Trust me, she is one of the good ones.

Yesterday's election was very interesting. I voted early and stayed up late listening to restults. So far, the democrats are in a holding pattern and waiting on 2 recounts.We shall see what plays out. Here is my list of

4 Things to Expect if Dems Gain Congressional Control

1) A Return to checks and balances
2) Hopefully, less partisian politics
3) A repairing of the middle class
4) A real debate about what our options are in Iraq

Will Ferrell is The Phantom of the Opera

This is why Letterman kicks Leno's ass every night. You can't do this kind of stuff on The Tonight Show.

A Little Inspiration

For some unknown reason I have been thinking a lot about women I really admire. Here is the list I have come up with. I would like to say that I really do admire all of the women in my family (for various reasons) and all of my girlfriends. If you aren't singled out on the list, it doesn't mean that I don't think great things about you!

You will also notice the name Margaret on here more than once. In case you are wondereing if I ever have a little girl she will be named Margaret!

1) My Mom- I could write a novel about what a strong woman my mother is, but I won't.

2) The Fink- she rocked the triathalon! She is always funny and is my sister in the Vagina!

3) Tinsel Teeth- she never fails to be anyone but herself. There is something so amazing about being in the presence of a person truly comfortable in their own skin.

4) Susan Prescott- such grace and strength at one of the most vulnerable moments of life. I hope I can conduct myself that way when dealing with the loss of people close to me.

5) My Nana- I loved all 5 feet of her! She had a hard life and did her best not to let it show. I am so greatful that I had her in my life.

6) Margaret Sanger- She told women it was OK to take control of their own bodies. It seems like such a simple and God-given right now (if you live in a blue state) but back in her day, this was earth shattering.

7) Margaret Cho- My generation's answer to Lenny Bruce. Bold and brash. Crazy and so funny, she will make you laugh until you throw up. Her pieces are personal and yet so universal. If you haven't heard her bit about the woman Gwen who came to wash her vagina, you haven't laughed. Ever!

8) Lucy Burns & Alice Paul- they went through awful trials and tribulations to help get women the vote. Ladies, next Tuesday when you are tired and don't want to vote or are cold and don't want to vote or whatever it is you can think of not to vote, remember this- women served jail time, went on a hunger strike, were force fed, and even died so that YOU could cast a ballot. I think of them everytime I am standing in line to pull that big lever.