Happy Hot Halloween

I am not dressing up for Halloween this year. It isn't because I don't like to dress up cause I do. I am a retired actress after all. I even looked for a costume. I have to admit it had been a while since I went costume shopping. Since when did dressing up for Halloween become "Be A Ho 4 A Nite?" I could not get over the amount of costumes at Ricky's that involved either thigh highs, fishnets or even pasties!!! Whoa! OK- I'll admit some costumes lend themselves to being sexy or on the risque side. A French maid's outfit doesn't come with an ankle length skirt and a turtleneck. However once I started looking through the "sexy" costumes, I just could not get over what they turned into sexy costumes. Here is my list of

6 "Un-Sexy" Sexy Halloween Costumes

1) Sexy Bee- you got me, when I think sexy I think insects. Maybe the stinger is the sexy part? All I know is that when a real bee is around me I try to get away ASAP. Why would I want a bee in a bustier any where near me?

2) Alice In Wonderland- this just isn't right. This is a child from children's literature. Yes, I know the back story on Lewis Carroll. That still doesn't justify turning a 7 year old into a"naughty" costume!

3) Candy Corn- really? Sexy candy? We are all a bunch of fat people who need to get laid. That's all I have to say about that!

4) Sexy Mental Patient- this costume I saw was a sexy straight jacket that you wear like a mini dress. I think it goes without saying if this is your costume of choice, you will be seeing your therapist on November 1st.

5) Sexy Nun- seriously, I haven't seen a nun under 60 in like 20 years. I guess you will attract the kind if guy who has grandma fantasies in this costume. Ewwww!

6) Sexy Federal DEA- this one was kinda random. Who has DEA fantasies? The drug dealer who secretly wants to get caught?

I Was Blind But Now I See

A few weeks ago, I came down with a little eye ailment. I went to the eye doctor and he gave me some medicines and sent me on my way with one instruction- no contacts. What? No contacts? How does one do that? I live in my contacts! If I could, I would have them surgically implanted in to my eyes. I feel self conscious in my glasses. I put them on and I revert back to that awkward shy kid who was afraid to talk to people. The problem is that as an adult people think you are being rude, not shy. I realized there were some practical things that I did on a daily basis that were much easier to do with contacts in. Here is my list of

6 Every Day Tasks That Are Hard To Do In Glasses

1) Taking A Shower- I can't see my hand in front of my face. How am I supposed to shave my legs or anyplace else for that matter? I have to say this was not fun at all. Showering with the glasses on didn't work well either.

2) Walking In The Rain- I guess this is the same concept as the shower. Now add a stroller with a 33 lb kid and you'll have an idea what it was like for me to walk home from the subway one afternoon!

3) Getting Hit In The Face- yes, this is an almost every day activity for me. It is usually accidental. However, one day it wasn't and Thud took a hard whack at me. My glasses actually scraped my face. It hurt and I was embarrassed. We left the park early that day.

4) Bathing My Kid- kids in bathtubs splash a lot. I am constantly wiping my glasses when I have to bathe him. Not fun!

5) Seeing Faces- I see much better with my contacts than I do with my glasses. I am not sure why but you could ask my eye doctor. He explained it to me. I have to be almost face to face with people to be positive I know them. It is kind if embarrassing.

6) The Shy Comes Out- I tend to not talk as much or go out of my way to speak up when I have my glasses on. I know, I need therapy. So if you see me with my glasses on and I am not talking to you, it is probably cause I am too nervous.

Bad Kids TV

Before I had little ones, I was one of those people who said "I'll never let my kids watch TV". Who was I kidding? Thud now watches TV every day. I try to limit it and he doesn't have the attention span to watch too much. Like anything, there are good TV shows for kids and there are some awful TV shows for kids. Sesame Street is still the best thing on for the little ones. They even have cool celebrity appearances. Today, Elmo made Robert DeNiro act like a dog. I am not kidding. There are shows I absolutely dread watching. I try to avoid those altogether but sometimes I am overruled. Here is my list of

5 Awful Kid's Shows

1) The Big Comfy Couch- there is nothing redeeming about this show. It has no educational value, the lead actress is terrible and I think it is Canadian!

2) Thomas The Tank Engine- Thud LOVES Thomas. It is the most boring show to watch. Luckily in the last few years, they have had George Carlin and Alec Baldwin narrating. However, even they can't manage to keep me awake.

3) Barney & Friends- I think this is one of the most annoying children's shows ever created. I don't know why it is even still on TV.

4) The Wonder Pets- The animation on this show really creeps me out. The characters voices really creep me out. Maybe this is funny if you watch it while you are high- I don't know.

5) The Doodlebops- Kids think these people are rock stars. They look like total freaks and sing the most annoying songs. Mark my words, they will be this generation's Barney!

If I Had A Billion Dollars

My financial situation as of late has had me wishing for money to fall out of the sky. I would happily live with the injuries caused to my person by the weight of a billion dollars in $100 bills. It's funny. When I used to play this game as a kid, it used to be "What would you do with $1 million?" Now a days, that doesn't seem to go so far. Damn you, inflation and consumer culture! Here is my list of


8 Things I Would Do With $1 Billion Dollars

1) Take Care Of Mom- it is my duty as a child to make sure that my parents are taken care of for the rest of their lives. I think this kind of thing is first on every one's list.

2) Trump It Up- that's right, people, I am talking real estate. Obviously I would get a huge NYC pad. I would probably then buy in Vancouver and London. Next would be Florida. I guess the big question in FLA would be where?

3) A Real Birthday Party For Jay-bee- I have always wanted to throw him a fantastic, huge birthday party. I would hire Morrissey for the entertainment and have it at some great roof top place. Yes, J, I would get you a great new bike and a Ben Sherman suit too!

4) My Own Theater Co.- its every theater geeks ambition. I would want to do something downtown and in black box. I think I could staff a full theater in a matter of 2 or 3 weeks. I just know too many people.

5) Non- Profit #1- this would be something involving education and health care for women and children in poverty. It may be parenting classes and some kind of child care center. My friend Liberal Julie would be in charge of this.

6) Non-Profit #2- There needs to be a magic company that "forgives" student loans for people in need. I would love to pay off some one's loan who really needs it.

7) Sayonara US Dept of Education- I would finally get around to paying off my student loan. I hate those people. If Bin Laden owed them money, they would be able to find him and call him 3 times a week!

8) 1 Year of Travel- start off on the West coast and just keep going west! I think I would have to buy a plane for this. I would love to see my passport covered in stamps! New Zealand, here I come.

More Important Than Boobs

It is October and that means Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Yay for boobies! Boo for boobie cancer. While breast cancer is a serious women's health issue, there are a lot of health items that women should be aware of. Make sure you are getting a physical every year, girls AND boys. It is your first line of defense! Ask the most embarrassing question to your doctor first, that way you get it out of the way. Always trust your instincts about your body. Here is my list of

4 Serious Health Issues For Women

1) Heart Disease- this IS the #1 killer of women. While breast cancer will effect 1 in 8 women, heart disease will strike 1 in 3. That is a lot!!! Get your cholesterol checked regularly, girls.

2) Stroke- twice as many women die from strokes as men. Again with the cholesterol and don't forget to keep your blood pressure in check!

3) Lung Cancer- it is the #1 cancer killer for women. For some reason unknown to modern science, women's bodies are more prone to lung cancer. Ladies, put down the cigarettes. Please!

4) Alzheimer's Disease- this is such a frightening disease but the most frightening thing to me is that it effects 2.5 times more men than women. Make sure to get your omega 3 fatty acids for brain health.

College Mix

I am low on ideas so I am rehashing an old idea. Feel free to add your stuff. I am sure there are some things I forgot!


10 Songs From My College Play List

1) Love Fool- The Cardigans
2) Mystery- The Indigo Girls
3) Caught A Lite Sneeze- Tori Amos
4) Jane Says- Jane's Addiction
5) Closing Time- Semisonic
6) Hand In My Pocket- Alanis Morrisette
7) Seasons Of Love- Rent cast
8) Gotta Be- Desiree
9) I'm Just A Girl- No Doubt
10) Foolish Games- Jewel

The War

Tonight is the first night I haven't watched Ken Burns's documentary The War. I learned a shit load of stuff about World War II, much more than I learned in high school. It was also the most devistating film I have seen in a long time. I had heard WWII stories from family members from my family (and Jaybee's too) my entire life. This film made it so real I felt everyone's pain, pride, fear and relief. So basically the War sucked. It sucked hardcore. The home front was asked to sacrifice many things and everyone did their part willingly. While many, many things were horrible about The War here is my list of


5 Things That Didn't Suck About WWII

1) The Arts- the arts always get good in times of strife. Just think about some of the music and movies made during this time period. They are some of the best ever.

2) Fashion- everyone looked so good back then. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was all the men in uniform. I loved the women's make-up from then too.

3) The Road To Equality-there were no men left to work the factory jobs so women went to work. It was their patriotic duty. Well, we all know where this lead. Women found fulfillment outside the home. Blah, blah, blah. Sixty years later we have a woman running for president. The African American experience was a bit different. They fought and finally found some acceptance in the military and that all went to hell when they got home. Many of them returned to a still segregated South. There was still a lot to do.

4) Economy- nothing jump starts an economy like going to war , except if your President is George W Bush and the war is with Iraq. The post war boom was quite astonishing. It made the country's memories of The Great Depression fade. I also had a set of grandparents who remembered The Depression very well, so I heard plenty of those stories too.

5) Technology- science had to advance, lives depended on it. You could make the argument that it went a bit too far. The bomb was a really mixed thing.